Coin of the Realm

Coin of the Realm

King Edward’s grandfather, in gambling debt to King J.D., declared bankruptcy. Ed’s father then confiscated all copies of a popular board game and used its currency. Eventually, the flimsy paper it was printed on deteriorated.

Ed’s Exchequer designed a new currency called Crypto. Everyone was rich, except for the peasants.

Population Control

Population Control

The homeless peasant population grew 10-fold since the tornado. Princess Blanche, Ed’s shrewdest, saw an opportunity to prove she should rule when Ed died. She made room for the peasants on the other side of the moat where they could bathe.

The crocodile and dragon took care of the rest.

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Hibiscus

Hibiscus

Hibiscus

Royal Law prohibited raising hibiscus anywhere in the Kingdom, almost anywhere. King Ed made an exception for Prince Teddy who had a flare for gardening. But theses flowers never made it into the Castle. Whenever Ed was annoyed with Ted, he’d say, “Put that in your pipe and smoke it.”

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Smartest Students

flat earth

Smartest Students

Children of the Lords and married Ladies attend school once a week. Subjects include bowing, the lineage of the Royals, and ravioli tasting. The slowest students love bobbing for sardines.

The smartest love geography. They only need to remember the entire world, between the edges, belongs to Good King Edward.

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Santa Claus is Dead

santa hats

Santa Claus is Dead

Prince Ed saw King Daddy see Queen Mommy kissing Santa. Ed told his little brother Prince Teddy that Santa Claus is dead.

In between Ted’s sobs he said, “But I just saw him with peasant children on his lap. “Who will give us presents?”

“One of his twins,” said Ed.

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Political Media

Sign: You can't comply your way out of tyranny

Political Media

King Edward’s neighbor, King Gustof, promised to have free elections for mayors. Ed’s Royal PR man, Sam, was asked to coordinate all the media for Gustof. Sam did an excellent job spending the money promoting the election in Ed’s territory.

No one in either kingdom voted. Gustof was quite pleased.

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Otto

Otto

Otto, the kingdom’s finest metalworker, went on strike.

“Until the king pays me for the extra hours it takes to make the best swords in the realm,” said Otto, “I’ll not make another.”

Ivan, the king’s expert swordsman, found another brand just as effective.

Otto’s son, Tito, inherited the business.

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King’s English

King’s English

The Royal peasants mumbled about a revolution if King Edward didn’t lower the taxes or let them vote. Ed, always sympathetic to the plight of His people, said yes. Anyone who spoke the King’s English could be free.

But it was fruitless. Eeythay ustjay ouldn’tcay etgay ethay anghay ofway itway.

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King Edward’s Army

toy soldier

King Edward’s Army

Sergeant and ‘Red’ Pepper vowed to recruit the King’s army with help from their sons, Corporal and Pfc (pronounced phick), and daughter Seal.

While inside their tent on a windy day, they discovered the draft. Still, no volunteers came forward.

In the hole, they played with toy soldiers resembling Edward.

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Fatherhood

Fatherhood

The King, tired of the squabbling about who was the father of a bastard, came up with a plan.

Women were to keep a list of male sex partners. If they became pregnant, all the men were required to financially support the child.

Each could have been the father.

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